All Jokes

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

anonymous

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How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

anonymous

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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

anonymous

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Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

anonymous

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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

anonymous

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What do the twin towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.

anonymous

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I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

anonymous

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer... The second orders half a beer... The third orders one quarter of a beer... The fourth orders one eighth of a beer... The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits."

anonymous

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

anonymous

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What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.

anonymous

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To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

anonymous

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab Edit: Bo Burnham is my god, this joke is his, I masturbate thinking of his talent to make people laugh without stealing jokes from other people

anonymous

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What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie

Total recall

anonymous

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I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

anonymous

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How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

anonymous

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The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'

which also means nothing

anonymous

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RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

anonymous

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A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?" Me: "I dunno, what?" Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

anonymous

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Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins

Son, leave the room please.

Dad, but I'm 23...

I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.

anonymous

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My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...

...has always been my Achilles' elbow.

anonymous

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